


"i can't lose you too"

by potatolesbian



Series: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020 [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Car Accidents, Giving Up, Haikyuu Angst Week 2020, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Moving On
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:22:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27491887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potatolesbian/pseuds/potatolesbian
Summary: Day 3: DefeatTW// implied suicide, car accidents and character death
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Miya Osamu, Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi (implied)
Series: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2005972
Comments: 3
Kudos: 30





	"i can't lose you too"

Osamu feels like he wasn’t supposed to be happy or satisfied with his life. That even if he had grasped happiness it would all slip away from his fingers in a blink of an eye. In a month would be the seventh anniversary of his brother’s death. Those seven years had been a rollercoaster of emotions for him.

When he first saw his brother’s body he didn’t believe it or at least he forced himself to not believe it. He looked like he was sleeping if he didn’t notice the obvious indicator that he wasn’t  _ there  _ anymore. He wanted it to be a terrible prank. That Atsumu was just get up and laugh at his face for falling for it. Sure he would’ve gotten mad at him for it and would probably not talk to him for days but it was better than  _ this.  _ This was excruciating. His parents had refused to acknowledge the lack of presence in their home. His friends and the people at his school didn’t know how to approach him so they just stared with pitied looks. And Sakusa? He hadn’t seen Sakusa in days. Both of them didn’t bother reaching the other one out until much later. He wished he didn’t go meet Sakusa.

For a while, he was just mad. He was mad at his parents for refusing to talk about it. He was mad at the way people looked at with so much pity and concern as if they even understood how he was feeling. He was mad at Sakusa for only blaming himself as if Osamu had nothing to do with it. He was mad at Sakusa for trying to find Atsumu in him as if he could replace Atsumu at all. He was mad at Atsumu for never reaching out to him, for making him think Atsumu was happy and satisfied with what he has. He was mad Atsumu for looking so peaceful as if that was the only possible way he could be free from the pain. He was mad at himself for thinking Atsumu was untouchable and that he would only reach for the stars and never fall down. He was mad at himself for not bothering to be there for his brother when he possibly needed him the most.

As time passed, everything moved so fast, it was all such a blur. He had graduated. He found a nice college. He moved out of his parent’s house. Sakusa apologized to him. They were friends again. Throughout those years and further into college, he kept wondering to himself. He wondered if certain days had played out a bit differently then maybe his brother would be here, going to college with him. He sometimes made-up scenarios of what his brother would’ve done if he was still here. With his talent, he would’ve continued to pursue volleyball. He would probably be able to go pro. He would’ve easily been able to talk to new people and even with his snarky attitude, he would probably be able to make new good friends. He and Sakusa would’ve been pretty solid by now. Everything would’ve played out wonderfully. But every time Osamu felt himself drifting away with his daydreams and wanting, he had to pull himself back.

Because he wasn’t here.

Before he knew it, he had stopped blaming himself and was ready to let go of the guilt that was eating him up. He had stopped daydreaming about what could’ve been, he stopped visualizing his brother with him. He was finally ready to come in terms with his loss, say goodbye to his brother and move on.

He was at peace for a while. Things were looking up for him. He opened up his own onigiri shop and his business was doing great. Sakusa was in a professional volleyball team and would often bring his teammates, particularly Bokuto and Hinata with him. This one time he brought someone that immediately caught his eye. Bokuto’s friend. Akaashi Keiji.

Having Akaashi in his life was like having all of his wishes come true. With Akaashi he felt like he had found the happiness he thought he would never be able to find. On the occasions in which he felt like he drifting away from his reality, Akaashi was there to pull him back. When he found himself guilt-ridden and desperately wishing his brother was still here, Akaashi was there to gently comfort him and remind him that he was never his fault. When there are nights he wants to scream and cry, Akaashi was there to hold him.

Akaashi gave him hope he never thought he had, making him look forward to tomorrow. Akaashi made him enjoy life and just help him be satisfied with himself. With Akaashi he found peace in himself.

So why was this happening? Is this universe’s sick joke?

As soon as he got a call about Akaashi’s car crash, he had run like never before. He finally had it. Peace, happiness, hope, Akaashi. He wanted to desperately hold onto. He didn’t want it to be taken away again.  _ Don’t take it away from me again.  _ They had refused to let him in at first. He was pacing around the hallway, thoughts completely consumed by Akaashi. Only Akaashi. He hadn’t notice Bokuto, Hinata and Sakusa bring there. They were distressed especially Bokuto and Hinata. Sakusa was calmer and was more focused on talking to Osamu. He couldn’t hear him. He needs Akaashi. Only Akaashi. And then slowly Sakusa had hugged and was comforting him. He was gonna break. 

“I can’t lose him.” He managed to say.

“I know,” Sakusa replied.

After hours, the doctor finally let them see Akaashi. Bokuto and Hinata had already fallen asleep. Osamu looked back at him.

“Go. I’ll be right here when you need me.”

And with that Osamu went into Akaashi’s room. The same sense of dread ran across his body when he saw Akaashi. It was all too familiar. He was almost too scared to approach him but the beeping from the monitor gave him some reassurance. He approached Akaashi and sat down next to him. He gently took Akaashi’s hand. “Please,” his voice cracked, “I can’t lose you too.”

He waited. Five minutes, thirty to one hour to open his eyes and just look at Osamu. Look at him and reassure him that everything will be okay. He didn’t know when but he ended up passing out. The next he knew was woken up by the long beeping sound from the monitor that had gone flat, Akaashi’s hand had gone cold. That was it.

Osamu feels like he was never supposed to be happy or satisfied with his life. He had now accepted that.

Goodbye peace. Goodbye hope. Goodbye Akaashi. Goodbye Atsumu.

He had given up.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope yall liked this one!!


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